Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Last night I had the pleasure of attending a dinner party in my honor thrown by what I would like to call my rich Jewess benefactor, the lovely woman who endowed the fellowship that makes my PUFA research possible. Now, I've know some wealthy people; I have been to parties of wealthy people; I have some wealthy people in my family; heck, my cousin went to one of those pre-schools that cost more than Dartmouth did.

But I have never been to a home where you could stand at the toilet in the guest bathroom and relieve yourself while staring at a Picasso. An actual Picasso. In the guest bathroom.

And the clincher is that this apartment, in all its glory (and it was fantastic), was on the not-so-impressive middle floor of a not-so-impressive building on Park Ave. And still the only place they could find for the Picasso was the guest bathroom.

I need to invent something. Pronto.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Unmitigated Gall

I am having a bad morning, and it's not because I only had toast and jam for breakfast. No, I am having a bad morning because I am wet. I am primarily wet because of the rain; I realize, so is pretty much everyone in New York today. However, I could be less wet because I do own an umbrella; an umbrella that I'm very careful to keep with me at all times because you never know when the sky is going to open up and pour down on you and make you wet. And God knows there's little I hate more than being wet all day. Which is why I carry an umbrella with me at all times.

So why am I wet today? Because some asshole (and I only use that word because it's the nicest thing I can think of) stole my umbrella from the hallway outside my door where it had been drying overnight. Oh, that's right. Some un-neighborly fuck-twat took my umbrella from me on a soggy, rainy, cold morning two days before Thanksgiving! This godless asswipe of a thief took my ratty, ugly pop-up umbrella on a day when the owner (me) probably (definitely) really needed it. I would have bought another one but I didn't have enough cash on me to buy an umbrella because, oh gee, because I hadn't planned on needing to buy an umbrella this morning. Because I own one.

But I'm really angry at myself. I'm angry because I never leave my umbrella outside of my apartment. I never leave my umbrella outside of my apartment because I am a paranoid person who thinks very little of other people and I always had this irrational thought that if I left a cheap umbrella outside my door someone would probably steal it. And I always knew, deep down, that it was an irrational thought. Who would steal an umbrella? People cannot really be that thoughtless and cruel to their neighbors. That's what I thought to myself last night as I returned to my apartment with a soaking umbrella and left it outside to dry.

Well apparently my irrational fears were perfectly rational. The world is apparently filled with heinous, uncaring, unloving, selfish fuckholes. There are only seven other apartments in my building. And I swear to God I will find the fucker who stole my umbrella and I will not hesitate to rip his thieving arm from his socket and beat him to death with the bloody stump.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Calgon! Get Me Up Outta Here and Take Me Somewhere!

The boy and I have taken to watching music videos in the morning, in order to stay apace of what the kiddies are listening to these days (or at least what's on MTV). It has been thoroughly enlightening, since I don't listen to the radio. It has made me come to appreciate the wonderfulness that is Kanye West's "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" and "Gold Digger".

But our story doesn't start with MTV or Kanye or bling related hip-hop. No, our story today begins with late night channel surfing a few months ago. The boy was asleep, but I was a bit wired so I started flipping through channels until I came across the local PBS station from New Jersey, you know the one that plays that scenic tour of Italy twelve times a day? Well, at 3:30 am I was taken aback to learn that, instead of some dreary travelogue, PBS was showing some "hipster" youth jumping up and down on top of his piano, acting like an asshole. I mean, come on. An edgy jazz pianist? Sneakers and shaggy hair alone will not make you cool. Especially when you're banging away on your piano keys like a teenaged boy popping his cherry (lots of show to camouflage a lack of talent) while singing a sophomoric version of "I Could Have Danced All Night". Needless to say, I wasn't in a particularly sharp state of mind at the time and didn't know quite what to make of this spectacle.

So I put it out of my mind.

Until last week when this tool showed up on MTV. Apparently he's famous. Apparently people really like him. And apparently they have all had lobotomies. His name is Jamie Cullum and let me give you a taste of his youthful wisdom:

So what game shall we play today?
How about the one where you don't get your way?
But even if you do,
That's okay.

Trust me, it isn't any more interesting with music. Anywho, let's break it down, shall we? The only defining characteristic of this "game" is that the chick he's after doesn't get her way. But, he says, even if she does get her way, he's totally fine with that. But since that was the only defining characteristic of the game he was suggesting, he's really saying that he doesn't care what game they play. Which might be mistaken for deep, if the song manages to not put you to sleep by the time you hit the chorus.

He's a got a few more gems in there, too. Like:

I opened the door and you walked in,
(Sniff) The scent of wild jasmine.

Honestly. Do women smell like anything other than jasmine or vanilla? I don't even think I know what jasmine smells like. But what I do know is that rhyming it with "walked in" is about as lame as rhyming
"get your way" with "okay"...

Or how about this one:

And who'd have thought that entertainment,
Lies in the winter of your discontent.

Oooh, Jamie Cullum read a book! Lesson 1: when you want to look smart (but aren't) quote Shakespeare.

Alright, I got one more:

Now, sit at the table, face to face,
Queen takes pawn, check or checkmate!

Check or checkmate. Got that? Lesson #2: when you want to look smart (but aren't) make references to intellectual games. Like chess. Or backgammon. Or the one where you don't get your way.

Now, for a final observation... Compare what you read above with the following:

Now I aint sayin she a gold digger (When I'm Need)
But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz

I think the answer is obvious...


Friday, October 21, 2005

Maggie Gallagher Is A Whiny Bitch

After a week of guest-blogging on The Volokh Conspiracy, that's about the most charitable thing I can say about her. Over the past few years I've read much of what she has written and I always thought it boiled down to "sex makes babies so we shouldn't allow gay marriage" which of course makes that kind of sense that doesn't. So I was generally interested in seeing what she was going to say in a series of posts geared toward lawyers. Five days and approximately 20,000 words later I've discovered she basically thinks that "sex makes babies so we shouldn't allow gay marriage".

I feel justified in making the judgment that I do (ie, Maggie Gallagher is a whiny bitch) because that's about the level of sophistication her arguments took ("like the first ingredient is a husband and a wife, duh").

I also feel justified in critiquing what she has to say because we are equally qualified to comment on marriage and social policy. We both have undergraduate degrees from ivy league schools (Dartmouth '99; Yale '82) in fields unrelated to social policy (Chemistry; probably English and since none of her biographies seem to indicate what it was, I'm guessing it has nothing to do with government or sociology). We both have published an equal number of peer-reviewed articles on marriage (zero; zero). We both worship the whore of Babylon (Catholics, you know). We both have a checkered past with payments for expertise (she was payed by the Administration to espouse their policies in print; I was payed by a university to "volunteer" my time a local high schools). She's married and I'm not, but I'm gay and she's not so as far as "gay marriage" is concerned I think we can call it a wash. The only thing she's really got on me is that she's "thought about marriage" an awful lot; me probably not nearly as much. But if thinking a lot about something can be considered a qualification, I think Oslo's a bit behind on giving me my Nobel.

With that out of the way, I was going to go over her arguments post by post, but I've decided that they aren't worth taking a look at in that much detail because she tends to repeat herself a lot. Instead I'll look mostly at her last entry. According to "bad time management" we do not get treated to the

theories of the cognitive nature of social institutions, the relevance of the New Institutionalist Economics’ understanding of isomorphic institutional change, the developing legal pressures in Canada to repress opposition to its new normative understanding of marriage, or even why I think the most likely outcome of same-sex marriage is not polygamy but to the end of marriage as a legal status.

which is a shame because something substantial like that is what I was interested in hearing. Instead we get treated to five days of "sex makes babies, duh" rhetoric. My guess is time management has nothing to do with it; my true belief is that the woman has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever, let alone knows the definition of "isomorphic". Ok, that was a bit harsh, but for all her grandstanding and considering the venue I would expect something a little less sophomoric. She spent a great deal of time making a case for the importance of procreation to marriage, which is becoming more and more like a strawman argument. Not many same-sex marriage advocates argue against the importance of marriage and child rearing; what I've been searching for these past few years is a reasonable argument to connect "sex makes babies" with "gay marriage will end marriage as a legal status".

Maggie seems to be making three general arguments against same-sex marriage. 1) Analogies to no-fault divorce; 2) Connections to generativity; and 3) "Gender matters".

On the first point, I believe she is misguided. She brings up the history of no-fault divorce and the mantra about someone else's divorce not affecting your marriage. The disconnect here is that, in the case of no-fault divorce, it is easy to see how a climate of divorce might effect, not necessarily current marriages, but the decisions of the next generation to get married. If the next generation grows up in a world where individual marriages are statistically less permanent, two people entering into one might also treat it as less permanent. After all, monogamy is hard. But what exactly does the marriage of the gays down the street do to heterosexual marriage? It's not exactly as if same-sex marriage would realistically make a straight person think that he could just as easily marry someone of the same sex. So what does it do?

Dissociates marriage from generativity, obviously. If the gays down the street can get married without having children, what does that say about my marriage? Well, according to Maggie, "marriage as a public act is clearly no longer related at all to generativity, and the government declares as well it has no further interest in whether children are connected to their own mom and dad." Really, Maggie? But people are still having babies. Husbands will continue to be responsible for the children of their wives, presumably their children. And what about that so-called "sterility strawman"? Her answer, I must cite in full:

A subtler argument sometimes made is this: well, we have some non-procreating couples in the mix. Why would adding SS couples change anything? Two points: SS couples are being added to the mix precisely in order to assure that society views them as “no different” than other couples. This intrinsically means (if the effort is successful) downgrading if not eliminating the social significance of generativity (procreation and family structure). The second truth is that both older couples and childless couples are part of the natural life-cycle of marriage. Their presence in the mix doesn’t signal anything in particular at all.

Really, Maggie? Older couples and childless couples are part of the natural life-cycle of marriage? How? How exactly, if they aren't generating any children, can they be part of the natural life-cycle of marriage? Because they are a man and woman? That's borderline tautological. She's trying to defend the definition of marriage as between only a man and a woman based on procreation (not child-rearing, by the way) and generativity, but a male-female couple who cannot participate in either procreation or generativity are still part of the natural life-cycle of marriage precisely because they are a man and a woman and not two men.

See, according to Maggie, gay marriage is filled with gender contradictions:

Gender doesn’t matter, except when orientation is involved, in which case gendered sexual desire matters so much we are morally obligated to restructure our most basic social institution for protecting children, so that all adults get their needs for intimacy and social affirmation met equally. Orientation, as a classification, assumes gender is a real and significant category of human existence; but apparently only for gays, and not for children.

But gender does matter, obviously. It matters equally for heterosexuals as it does for homosexuals; it just doesn't matter so much for the institution. Maggie would like to believe that marriage has nothing to do with adult intimacy, and while maybe the government doesn't care if you love your spouse, perhaps Maggie forgot why she got married. Children are the ultimate expression of love, but I'm guessing it is not exactly for the sheer love of children and the future of the human race that Maggie chose her particular husband. But what I don't understand is the above statement in light of Maggie's (reluctant) support for single and gay adoption. Her constant bleating of "mothers and fathers matter" can obviously be halted if a child can be saved. What her real beef seems to be with is artificial reproductive technology (ART) and alternative family structures, but that's a whole other can of worms I'd rather not get into.

It is important to make the distinction, though, because the burning question which she is unable or refuses to answer is why, given the current state of ART and of adoption laws, how the very important role that marriage plays in connecting children to their fathers will diminish any faster with a small number of gay marriages. And her focus on sex is also very confusing and contradictory; her position seems to be that all procreative sex should occur only within marriage and if you can only have non-procreative sex you cannot get married. Well, exactly what kind of message does that send exactly? That sex outside of marriage is fine as long as it doesn't result in any babies?

I do think there is an elephant in the room (like there always is): Maggie finds gayness icky.

I really do think, btw, that this is what bothers most ordinary people: an instinct that their government, against their will, is telling them (and will re-educate their children) that everything they know about marriage (like the first ingredient is a husband and a wife, duh) is wrong and must now change. Upon penalty of being officially labeled bigots by their government. And everyone knows its open season on bigots in our society.

Well cry me a river, Maggie Gallagher! You might be labeled as a bigot if you oppose same-sex marriage! I oppose affirmative action and hate crimes. Many consider that bigoted. But I've got some convincing (I think) arguments that say affirmative action harms minorities and society as a whole, and we would all be better off without it. Can Maggie offer any convincing reason why gay marriage is harmful to gays? Why yes, she can! Societies can't survive without marriage and since gay marriage will obviously cause the downfall of marriage in Western society, western civilization will crumble and be replaced by something else that isn't so gay-friendly. See, this society is the best we're going to get, so we should just be grateful we aren't hanged to death for our perversions. Yes, that's really her argument as to why gay marriage isn't in the interest of gays.

Color me unimpressed.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Happy Third of the Month!

Ah, it's that time again. The fall weather is nipping at our door. Well, not today; it's like 80 degrees. But soon it will be.

Last month we took a Third of the Month hiatus because we were basking in the rays on Fire Island, not thinking about the horrible tragedy that was assaulting our nation. Normally, we would have celebrated in our usual cynical form but this one, at the time at least, seemed too soon and too crass, even for me. Although some of you may remember my September 11th limerick (email me for details), you should keep in mind that I was shell-shocked and not thinking straight.

Anyway, enough of this depressing crap. Let's remember what this day is really about! It's about loving yourself and loving yourself often. The world is looking up. I was in Connecticut for a wedding on Saturday which happened to be the day that civil unions went into effect. I got to hold a baby and it shit on me. The president has, I believe, completely isolated his base this new Supreme thingy. And the plaintiffs are kicking butt in Dover. Who could ask for anything more! (Toyota!)

So, wear plaid. Always carry a moist towelette. And watch Sarah Wayne Callies '99 on Prison Break tonight. She's trapped in the hospital wing of the prison during a riot, but she's still managing to out act everyone in a three mile radius; and it's only a matter of time before she can out stare Wentworth Miller into middle distance.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Paraphrasation of Mimi

The boy is obsessed (obsessed!) with Mariah Carey. He tries to defend it using literary theory or post-modernism or deconstructionism or some crap like that. Point is, every morning we have to scour the music video channels to see if we can find a Mariah Carey video. And it usually takes us about 30 seconds.

The big one these days is "Shake It Off" where Mariah, soaking in a tub full of rose petals, manages to paraphrase one of the simplest commercial phrases of all time, namely "Calgon, take me away!" In Mariah's brilliant rendition: "Like a Calgon commercial I / really gotta get / up outta here / and go somewhere"... Just in case you thought "take me away" wasn't clear enough, Mariah breaks it down, she "deconstucts" it, so to speak, so that we, the audience, really understand not only the essence of the original pop culture reference but exactly how Mariah is feeling, at that moment, in the tub.

As a side note, a verse was cut (for time) which went like this: "Like a Wendy's commerical I / really gotta find / out where the beef / went up and got to"...

Monday, September 19, 2005

When Politicians Promote Peace, Everybody Loses

Last week, as many of you know, the UN was celebrating its 60th anniversary. At the same time, the fashion world was celebrating Fashion Week for like the 16th time this calendar year. With all the self-congratulatory mental masturbation going on you'd think it was the Third of the Month. But no. See, the Third of the Month, while all about loving yourself, doesn't involve pissing me off.

So, I needed to walk to the subway last week to get a new Metrocard, so I decided to take the 6 down to Hunter College. Being the lazy git that I am, I decided that, rather than walk the 4 blocks in the muggy heat, I'd take the M66. After all, I could see the bus down the street, between Park and Lex. So I waited. And waited. And waited. I got through Donna Summer's "I Got Your Love" and Madonna's "Holiday" before the bus managed to cross Lexington. And why? Because apparently all of Midtown was rerouted to the Upper East Side because a few diplomats need to be able to not be assassinated.

But that's not it. I had to watch three very able-bodied young women walk all the way from the back of the bus to get out the front, instead of the back, prohibiting the woman in the walker from exiting in a timely fashion and further delaying our embarkment just long enough for another train to arrive and forty more people try to pile on to go the four blocks that I was too lazy to walk. Fortunately I had Maroon 5 and Electric Six to keep me company (God bless my iPod).

It would have been ok, except that when the bus finally got to 1st Ave, this other woman (herinto refered to as "the ho") suddenly realized, after about four thousand people exitted, that she wanted to get off. This ho managed to yell "back door!" without dropping either her cell phone (presumably it was her conversation that had kept her too distracted to see the entire bus had vacated) or her nail polish, quite a feat. A feat that managed to allow just enough cars in front of the bus that it got held up through THREE LIGHTS before it got to York and was able to let the rest of the people off.

It took me twenty minutes, TWENTY MINTUES, to travel four blocks. And I was neither given a free ticket to Fashion Week nor compensated for putting up with the traffic, save for the pleasure of getting to hear a diplomat's punk-ass kid double park his SUV outside of my apartment, crappy-ass ghetto music loud enough to shake my couch, so he could get a kebap. Well, I can forgive him that because we got some damn good kebaps in our building....


Together At Last...

I have only two google alerts set up to notify me weekly on the two topics I find near and dear to my heart; intelligent design and gay marriage. I was shocked this week to see one story appear in both alerts! I mean, it is from Renew America, but still, it heartened me to realize that someone else shares the same interests that I do...

WARNING: People with any knowledge, however scant, of either science or philosophy should refrain from reading the above cited article, as it may cause nausea, upset stomach, insomnia, itching, burning, redness, dry eye, mental retardation, epilepsy, consumption and, in rare cases, death.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Absence of Proof...

I'm almost finished with Ken Miller's fantastic book, Finding Darwin's God (which I'll probably comment on at some point), and what with the president's recent statements about intelligent design, a thought popped into my head that I thought I'd get down.

Recently, Rick Santorum has been flip-flopping about teaching ID in schools but he recently said

We should lay out areas in which the evidence supports evolution and areas in the evidence that does not. And as far as intelligent design is concerned, I really don't believe it's risen to the level of a scientific theory at this point that we would want to teach it alongside of evolution.

I'm happy about the second sentence but the first sentence illustrates perfectly the problem with this entire brouhaha. There is much evidence that supports evolution; only the crazy young earthers deny that. But there is no evidence, and I mean actual evidence, that does not support evolution. I'm not talking "gaps" in the fossil record, kiddos, I'm talking actual evidence that does not support evolution. I'm not even asking for a direct contradiction, just some actual piece of biological evidence (whatever that word means!) that doesn't help evolution one iota.

But see, there isn't any. The closest you can come is claiming that there is no direct line of evidence to support the transition of one species into another. All we have to do, though, is keep digging and we're sure to find it. Because lack of evidence for evolution is not evidence against.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Happy Third of the Month!

It's August. It's hot as balls. I have a wicked scary talk to give in a week. And the president just said that he thinks we should teach "Intelligent Design" in public schools. But I'm not going to let that get me down. I'm going to get out there, like I do every month, and spread the good news! Today is a day that we should think of nothing but ourselves, nothing but the beauty that God bestowed upon us, the beauty that allows us to walk proud and tall (unless we are short) and say "I am what I am!"

But, not all self-love is selfish. We can love ourselves by helping others. And by helping others we get a glimpse of what it is like to be in someone else's place, or even a place in our own past; a place that was dark and foreboding and sad and ugly before we got Queer-Eyed. For example, I believe that every time we teach a child the joys of molecular cloning and immunoblotting (like I got to do today) we celebrate ourselves. Sure, we may be sacrificing precious time in the laboratory but we are at the same time educating the youth of America in a monetarily well-compensated way. I do this not only for myself but because I learn from the children as well. See, I believe the children are our future. We have to teach them well and then let them lead the way. In the spirit of the Third of the Month we must show them all the beauty they possess inside and give them a sense of pride, to make everything easier. And then, when we have opened ourselves up, we can let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.

Yet remember, the Third of the Month is ultimately about appreciating yourself and all the unique qualities you have to give to the world. You are special just as I am special. I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. I figured, if I fail or if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity! Or my moist towelettes! Because today, the Third of Month is happening to me, as it should be happening to you. I found it right inside of me. It's really easy to achieve because learning to love yourself is what the Third of the Month is all about.

So if, by chance, that special place you've been dreaming of leads you to a lonely place, find your strength in plaid....

Friday, July 22, 2005

Inadequacy

I'm brushing up on my knowledge of ion channels in order to procrastinate from working on my dissertation. I have just been treated by the author of the book I'm reading to some of the contributions of Arrhenius, Fick, Einstein and Nernst to electrochemistry. He has also, however, made it a point to mention that they were 28, 26, 26 and 24 respectively when they made such major contributions as the dissociation of strong electrolytes, aqueous defusion flux and microscopic random walk of particles. At 27, I have just learned how to graph something in Excel and how to open up a bottle of nitric acid without burning myself. Needless to say, I don't feel as smart as I used to...


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Survival of the Fittest

In creationist or ID circles, "survival of the fittest" is often accused of being a tautology and thus completely meaningless; of course the fittest survive! They're the fittest!

Setting aside for a moment the many problems with trying to whittle down the extremely complex theory of modern evolution to an oversimplified soundbite, I intend to show that "survival of the fittest" is only a tautology if evolution were a logical argument rather than a scientific argument. A logical tautology can be obvious or it can be subtle. "No vegetarian eats meat" is a tautology because by definition someone who eats meat cannot be a vegetarian. Recently I was told in an on-line discussion that "no conservative calls himself gay". Pointing out that there are many gay conservative pundits I was corrected; they are obviously not really conservative. Because to this commenter, the definition of conservative requires heterosexuality.

Well what about "survival of the fittest"? Is that a tautology? Logically, perhaps. By definition, an organism's level if fitness is directly related to the probability of its survival. But evolution isn't a logical exercise; it's a scientific endeavor. And evolution doesn't revolve solely around "survival of the fittest". In fact, it is only the second half of the true (and admittedly less impressive) soundbite: variations exist in nature and those organisms with more favorable variations survive.

Tautological or not, the "survival of the fittest" is merely an observation. But as a soundbite it obfuscates the truly fascinating observation underlying evolution: that organisms need to survive in the first place; that they vary, if ever so slightly, and that variation helps them interact with a changing environment. "Survival of the fittest" is indicative of the fact that the earth is not Eden. An organism may be best suited for the environment it finds itself in and less suited for a different environment. But since its environment isn't static, it finds itself in competition with other organisms for food, for shelter, for a mate.

Of course "survival of the fittest" is a painfully obvious observation. Evolution addresses why survival is necessary. Both a creationist and a "Darwinist" would say that it's because the earth is not Eden but only the evolutionist asks whether or not it is the imperfections in the world that create such changing diversity. In Eden, "survival of the fittest" would be meaningless because there would be no "survival"; there would be only life and death (if at all) in a regular cycle.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Happy Extremely Belated Third of the Month

Like always, July's Third of the Month falls at a very (in)opportune time: my anniversary. This year was year two. Judging by how some relationships go, that's like a golden anniversary. Regardless, it fell at a very busy time. Some of you have voiced disappointment by my lack of good cheer. But I think everyone is entitled to a summer break.

Me, I'm breaking right now. It's six o'clock and I have a little too much beer in me. Paid for by the boss. For no good reason.

So love yourselves. Yay moist towellettes. Whatever. You know the drill. Plaid rocks.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Procrastination

I was wondering what I was going to do to procrastinate today. Well, apparently O'Connor announced her retirement from the Supreme Court today so I'll probably spend the rest of my day here...


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Pride (In The Name Of Love)

I normally avoid everything to do with gay pride, not because I'm not proud of my "family" but because like all family reunions, the big ones tend to bring out the embarrassing crazies. In our case, the drunk Aunt Ritas include, but are not limited to, "chicks with dicks", men who think formal wear can include tight sleeveless "cocksucker" shirts, and "Democrats".

So when you score an invite to the mayor's party at Gracie Mansion on one of the most beautiful nights of the year, you don't say no. And so I didn't; although I probably would have done well to say no to that last glass of sauvignon blanc. For those of you who've never gotten to have your picture taken with a politician, I recommend shoes with good ankle support, because if you linger just a split second too long that mofo's gonna move you along. Forcefully. For a man of modest stature, our mayor has one hell of a grip.

There were blessedly only two gay jokes, one about Abe Lincoln and the other about a dancing queen. And then we had to hear the mayor's version of what kind of music the queers like to listen to, which includes, but is not limited to, ABBA, Donna Summer, Madonna, and Outkast. It was so offensively accurate that I found myself unable to pass judgement in good conscience. And nothing makes me more unhappy than being unable to pass judgement. But then a waiter flittered over with a tray of rainbow striped star cookies and everything was OK again.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Homespun and Corny Principles

This month in Policy Review, Lee Harris addresses the notion of tradition and its place in society's past, present and future. It's long but I think it's an essential read. He spends a good deal of article describing tradition, rejecting some definitions, favoring others and putting the role of tradition into perspective. While there is much that my more right-leaning side agrees with, it is good basic overview of the role tradition plays in our history, or at least a "conservative" overview. I was especially fond of his "tradition as recipe" analogy. It is not enough that one passes down the knowledge of how to make the family recipe, he says; one must also pass down the cook. And yet even more important, one must teach that budding young cook how to replace himself in the next generation.

He then describes the role of the family which culminates in the "shining example":

This is the highest ethical contribution of the family — setting for the child not merely the minimal acceptable ethical baseline, but the promotion of its most cherished ethical ideal in the form of our developmental destiny — what Aristotle called our telos. In short, what we want to be when we grow up.

But a telos, to be the focus of a concrete ambition, must exist in the form of an actual individual who has fulfilled this ambition in an exemplary way. Such an individual we will call a shining example.

To Harris, the shining example is lacking in our society. We are striving for abstract ideals set out by the intelligentsia that we can never hope to achieve. What we need is real exemplary models, something tangible. Someone to look up to, not a paragon of virtue, per se, but someone who overcomes his weaknesses to prevail. Harris implies that the intelligentsia, which is apparently in conflict with middle America, is destroying this.

And as you can easily guess, all this leads directly into the current marriage debate. And I think it does so a little abruptly. Harris never really explains exactly why gays should not seek marriage, except that we should respect the mysterious ethical traditions of middle America, without ever really telling us what they are. But if we delve deeper we can see what he means. We should respect their shining examples. He claims there will be tragedy if middle America loses its ethical fundamentalism.

If the reflective class, represented by intellectuals in the media and the academic world, continues to undermine the ideological superstructure of the visceral code operative among the “culturally backward,” it may eventually succeed in subverting and even destroying the visceral code that has established the common high ethical baseline of the average American...

I was with him right up until this point, the point where he sets up the divide: gay America is a product of the "reflective class", the abstract ideals people and not-gay America is the ideological superstructure, the group that will pass down the family recipe along with the cooks. Gay America is striving for an abstract ideal; not-gay America is striving to be like its "shining examples".

To Harris, who is himself gay, homosexuals have rejected middle America even if some of them are a product of it.

Even the most sophisticated of us have something to learn from the fundamentalism of middle America. For stripped of its quaint and antiquated ideological superstructure, there is a hard and solid kernel of wisdom embodied in the visceral code by which fundamentalists raise their children, and many of us, including many gay men like myself, are thankful to have been raised by parents who were so unshakably committed to the values of decency, and honesty, and integrity, and all those other homespun and corny principles. Reject the theology if you wish, but respect the ethical fundamentalism by which these people live: It is not a weakness of intellect, but a strength of character.

And then to the gays:

But there can be no advantage to them if they insist on trying to co-opt the shining example of an ethical tradition that they themselves have abandoned in order to find their own way in the world.

What Harris fails to see is that many gays have not abandoned the ethical tradition of the ancestors. I am not, despite my education, estranged from my middle American roots; I am a product of it. Middle Americans have their shining examples, their good parents who mold their children into good parents who mold their children into good parents. They want them to have honesty, decency and integrity. To Harris, these middle Americans are "passing on, through the uniquely reliable visceral code, the great postulate of transgenerational duty: not to beseech people to make the world a better place, but to make children whose children will leave it a better world and not merely a world with better abstract ideals."

I cannot speak for all gays, but that is exactly what I would aspire to. Yet I have a tragic flaw, but so do many other straight couples. I cannot "make children". But that does not mean I cannot aspire to rescue a child from a situation where he cannot see any shining examples, any honest, decent people. Committed spouses. Committed parents. This does not mean that I cannot impart my transgenerational duty, my duty to actually help make a better world, not just one with better abstract ideals.

Because a world with marriage for gays would in fact be a better world.

Harris concludes that gays are outside of middle America and that they have no place trying to squeeze their way into it. He concludes that they shouldn't co-opt middle America's shining examples. Note, however, what Harris thinks of a shining example:

The shining example does not need to be the paragon of all virtues; in fact, he must not be. This is because what makes the shining example shine is not his immunity to human frailty, but his ability to rise above it when he encounters it in his own nature.

So what makes the Goodridges not shining examples? Or any of the other gay couples who have made families and committed themselves to each other for decades? Who have honesty and decency and integrity? As Harris points out, a shining example is not immune to human frailty; he overcomes it.

In essence, Harris is saying that homosexuality is a frailty. It is a weakness. And gays have overcome nothing. They have failed. This is the "hard and solid kernel of wisdom embodied in the visceral code by which fundamentalists raise their children". Homosexuality is a sin.

Harris tells me I am free to reject middle America's theology, and I do. But I am entreated to respect their "ethical fundamentalism", which is not a weakness for them but a "strength of character". But the only thing I that separates me from them, is that I haven't beaten my sexuality.

See, this isn't about honesty, or integrity, or decency, or any other homespun or corny principle. This is about homosexuality being wrong, being a weakness, being something to overcome. Lee Harris may think that; but I don't. And neither do hundreds of thousands of other gay Americans. My sexuality is a blessing, not a curse.

But I can tell you something that many gay Americans have overcome; the twisted lure of the gay underculture. The club-hopping, body-waxing, AIDS-infested, drug-addicted, free-loving promiscuity that plagues the community. And how have they overcome it? By forming stable, committed relationships in the face of the temptation of debauchery on the one side and the push away from "decent" Americans on the other. Ironically they found that stability in the values of middle America, the very middle America Harris claims all gays have abandoned. But he wants them to look elsewhere because to co-opt those values would be detrimental to "a fundamental ethical baseline below which [civilization] cannot be allowed to fall." One can only infer that that ethical baseline must not be lowered to include homosexuality as a virtue.

Well I will not take Harris' advice and beat "a rapid retreat from even the slightest whisper that marriage ever was or ever could be anything other than the shining example that most Americans still hold so sacred within their hearts." He wants gays to have their own shining examples. Well there are thousands of gays, right now, overcoming vices and raising children who will raise children that will make the world a better place. Just like their straight counterparts. My shining example looks conspicuously like their shining example, except while my shining example isn't necessarily gay, theirs is definitely not.

So, Mr. Harris, we have found our shining example which we've created "out of [our] own unique perspective on the world" and it looks an awful lot like middle America's. That's not so surprising when most of us came out of middle America in the first place. It probably means that our sexuality doesn't necessarily make our perspectives all that unique. Or at least any more unique than any other individual.

That said, I'd now like to participate in my transgenerational duty and get married. Is that ok now, middle America?

Friday, June 03, 2005

Happy Third of the Month!

Do you know where your moist towellettes are? Probably all used up from May, eh? Whew, was that a rough month let me tell you, and not in that good way.

But right now I'm preparing to go to Fire Island! That's right, watch out muscle queens cuz Mikey is going to party hardy! With three other straight couples! Nowhere near Cherry Grove or the Pines! But that's ok, if things get dodgy, I should be able to escape readily; I'm bringing my swimmies. And I've got fourteen hours of beach mixes on my iPod, including one that will make me think I'm in Cherry Grove. I can't lose.

So while I'm chilling on the beach in 80 degree weather we're supposed to be having this weekend, I'll be not thinking of any of you. If I don't come back with a little color, I'm blaming the trannies, who of course would never be caught dead wearing plaid and so they obviously don't know shit about shit.

Touch of evil, suckers!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Stem Cell Angst

Don't be fooled. The current bill in Congress to expand stem cell research has nothing to do with catching up to the South Koreans or opening up a back door for reproductive cloning. All it would do is expand the availability of embryonic stem cells to already created embryos that have been set to be discarded by fertility clinics.

Some say this is about ethics and that we should err on the side of caution when it comes to using federal money for something that certain people find morally objectionable. Morality aside, the president's initial ban and veto is a real danger to the autonomy of science. It would be a more consistent position (and safer for government science in the long run) for ESC research to be considered outright illegal. The reality of the situation is that the NIH is by far the major funder of American medical research, as well as employing many of the top scientists in the country. Congress and the president should not be able to micromanage what can and cannot get funded. If, as some say, no American taxpayer should be required to fund from her own dollars what she regards as a moral outrage, what is to stop the public from pushing to pull all federal research in HIV? Or other STDs? Or genetic disorders that primarily affect Jews like Tay-Sachs disease? Or to stop funding on individual, peer-reviewed grants that they deem morally repugnant, like Congress attempted to do a few years ago on certain AIDS and transgendered studies? I am a huge supporter of federalism, but states and private companies cannot and shouldn't have to pick up the slack in this arena of national interest (even though they seem to be doing a good job of it). If the American people feel that it is important to fund medical research with federal tax dollars, they should accept what the scientists deem promising enough to fund and not second-guess the peer-review process.

Yet if its ethics you are concerned with, consider this: when Bush limited the stem cell lines government scientists were allowed to use, ESC research was about 3 years old. That's worse than saying it was in its infancy as a science. In those days, the only way they could get ESCs to proliferate was to grow them on a layer of mouse "feeder" cells, which we have recently discovered have contaminated the approved cell lines so that they are probably unusable. In fact, it is quite possible that to attempt to use these lines for any therapeutic treatment would be unethical, given their state. In other words, the ban itself is probably unethical, since the president is more or less saying that he gives scientists permission to continue to pursue therapeutic uses of ESCs as long as they continue to use cell lines that would be unethical to actual use therapeutically.

But of course this never comes up. Nor does the fact that it was politicians and pundits in the 80s that started using the term "embryo" for any stage past a fertilized egg; to an embryologist you have to progress considerably farther. Nor is mentioned that fertilization and conception are functionally two different stages; that women have eggs that are fertilized much more frequently than they conceive.

Of course ethics is about peoples opinions, but they need to have informed opinions. And for anyone to conflate the current debate over the expansion of ESC research with the advent of human cloning is particularly uninformed.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Worst Week Ever

My friend, Phatiwe, passed away last Thursday after a grueling year with cancer. She was 27. I spent the next five days in Boston, mourning with my friends, all of whom came rushing up as soon as they heard. It was extraordinarily unpleasant. As were the numerous phone calls to people I hadn't spoken too since after graduation, having to hear the elation in their voices because I'd called quickly fade when they were told why. It's not something anyone should have to do. Ever.

We did send her off proper, though. She left explicit instructions on what bars we had to crawl to and made sure we wound up in Chinatown when we were done, gorging on crab rangoon and roast duck. Typical; even after she was dead she managed to tell us what to do. And after we settled up the bill at one of her favorite hangouts, the bartender told us that the first round was on Phatiwe; I think it's the first time I've ever cried in public.

She was loved by many, many people; the funeral home couldn't hold everyone who came. She had a few dozen high school friends and co-workers, as well as us. But aside from her parents, the ol' college gang was the most visibly broken up, especially Jen who had been the only one left in Boston to take care of this miserable experience for the past year.

I realized throughout this whole crapfest that you really do form something important during those late night runs to Denny's in West Lebanon. When you live together at such a young age, you get very close. You grow up together. Phatiwe, Sandra and I spent the first snowstorm of our freshman year making snow angels in front of Baker Tower. We spent the last snowstorm of senior year making snow angels in front of the New Dorms. The only difference is that, in the latter case, I had drunken a whole bottle of gin and was only wearing a T-shirt. See, we grew up.

No one deserves to die, but if they did Phatiwe should have been the last in line. She was a beautiful, compassionate person, even to the end when she didn't want anyone to have to see her losing. Which isn't surprising when you consider that she would grow her nails out specifically so she could attain maximum maiming during a game of Egyptian Rat Screw, guaranteeing that you would never have a chance to win ever again.

And yet for all the suckiness, I've come to appreciate how special my friends truly are and how goddamn lucky I am to have them. Really, really lucky. For all the growing up we were supposed to do in college, it was those stupid, childish antics that really bound us together. Well, Mom, I think I finally grew up.

And it fucking sucks.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

May: When Everyday Is The Third of the Month!

With all this wonderful weather and my brawls with lit tobacco products, I nearly forgot that May is a very, very special month. Every May the rest of the world recognizes the mission of the Third of the Month, the importance of loving yourself to your truest and fullest capacity. While you're convincing yourself of how wonderful you are, you might want to think of one of the numerous ways that your time and effort can benefit others. And don't worry if you're new to the joys and wonders of the Third of the Month; help is available for all those who need it. And don't be shy. Don't be embarrassed by the fact that you love and cherish your uniqueness. You're not the only one. And there's absolutely nothing wrong about treating yourself right. Unless you're doing it wrong.