Official Bodily Function Euphamisms

Everyone knows what you mean when you go into a bathroom and declare that you are "going #1" or "going #2". I kind of like it; it's not terribly crass and it comes in handy when you only have one small bathroom and you have to decide who gets to go first after a long car ride (#1 obviously). But I always thought that it was an overly cute way of referring to urine and feces.

Until my building installed new two-way handles on it's toilets because we are in a drought and have to conserve water. The sign gives careful instructions that you should pull the handle "Up for #1" and "Down for #2", "depending on your needs." That's right; I shit you not. The official instructions for peeing and popping are "#1" and "#2".

Happy Third of the Month!

Today is the first Third of the Month in 2008. This provides us with an excellent chance to start the year off right. New state, new job, new puppy (forgive me, oh Peaches!), new opportunities to appreciate one's own existence.

So stock up on moist towelettes, put on some plaid (if you even own any plaid anymore, this being 2008 and all...), and marvel at how absolutely perfect you are. The Colbert Report is back and after today we hopefully won't have to hear about Iowa for another 4 years. What could be better?

Cats and Dogs Living Together...

Mass hysteria!

The Peaches is about to get a new big sister. That's right. Somehow the boy convinced me to adopt a dog. Up until last weekend, when the Peach was terrorized* by his sister's dachshunds, it's possible she had never seen another animal up close before. She did not handle it well. She made sounds I didn't think were possible to be made by a house cat, even such an exotic beauty like my Peaches.

So, in the span of two years I have gone from a completely pet-free** existence to running a zoo. And he made me buy him a book on raising chickens for Christmas. Chickens! Scratch that zoo thing; we're going to have a whole frickin' farm. A farm! And no Chinese delivery! And last night I ate dinner at a chain restaurant. A chain restaurant! I swear, this town is killing me.

But my cat is certainly going to kill me in my sleep if I let this dog take over. She's been known to hold a grudge. And urinate in my laundry.


*Now I have been told that "terrorize" is too strong a word but what else do you call it when the little vermin ate all her food while my precious baby cowered in fear underneath the bed?

** I do not consider my fish to be pets; they are decor.