Things That Piss Me Off

I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been busy with the holidays and my birthday (turning 27 was a real drag). I just spent two afternoons in a row teaching high school students the wonders of DNA profiling and they kept calling me mister. Godammit. I am so not that old. So during break time I had to bond with them over [adultswim]. Until it was time to talk again and then I had to make them turn off their computers and be quiet. I felt so frickin' old.

Now, I'm pissed off because my tech didn't change the nitrogen tank last week because he's an idiot even though he was told and now I'm out of nitrogen and can't do any work. You'd think that that would be a good thing but no it just pisses me off because I was supposed to work all night.

You know what also pisses me off? Intelligent Design. It's so frickin' stupid. I've been working on a workshop using evolution and intelligent design to illustrate correct and incorrect uses of the scientific method. I thought all the research I did was going to make me more informed and able to better articulate how idiotic "creation science" is. But no. It's just made me angrier that there are such ignorant, stupid people in the world. Just read this idiotic display of, well, idiocy by Kelly Holowell, quite possibly the world's worst scientist. Is it possible, just possible that the Jews decided to circumcize their boys at 8 days because they noticed that they bled a lot if they didn't wait that long, instead of the other way around? How does this crap get published? And repeated? People can't have brains this small. It's not possible.

And Pakistan! Pakistan pisses me off. Check out Bernard Henri Levy's book Who Killed Daniel Pearl? and you'll see what I mean. Ally my ass. It's unbelievable that this book, or the role of the ISI (Pakistan's shadow government) and al-Qaida in everything bad happening in the world, hasn't gotten more American press. Actually, scratch that. It's not unbelievable. It's par for the course for a country as wacked as this one. Do you realize that not one major Hollywood director has publicly denounced the murder of Theo van Gogh? Not one.

Why? Why are there so many stupid people in the world? Why?....

What To Watch

Well, I've been doing a pretty good job of staying off of political blogs lately. This could be that I've been busier at work. It certainly doesn't have anything to do with will-power. But regardless I've decided to take this moment, post-election, post-World Series, to educate you all on what you should be watching on television, since I have DVR and can pretty much watch everything all at once, in whatever order I feel like it.

First, let's start with non-reality television. I have this inkling that reality television is increasing the quality of writing on the small screen, due to a decreased supply and increased demand (although not if you turn on ABC, where any day of the week you can see some mediocre sitcom with fat husband doing something incompetant and a skinny, beautiful wife berating him until he threatens to send her to the moon). So this season be sure to check out some goodies:

Arrested Development started its second season last week, and it is better than ever. An impeccable cast, completely with sharp writing and new twists on classic sitcom tropes (and no annoying laugh-track) makes this appointment television for Sunday nights. Look for Justine Bateman guest starring as a love-interest for Michael (her real-life brother, Jason Bateman). Trust me, hilarity will ensue. But if that doesn't float your boat, Portia di Rossi is still America's hottest real-life lesbian.

After that, take a quick jump to HBO, home of the best original programming on cable television, and tune into the third season of The Wire, by far the best show on television ever. Ever. Ever. Don't worry about catching up. Just watch it and get immersed into the seedy underworld of drugs, sex and politics. In Baltimore! If, however, you are a purest and you do need some background, Season One just came out on DVD. Buy it. Or buy it for me for my birthday. Season Two, while just as good as the rest, takes a side-trip into the world of drug smuggling, and so not much plot is advanced with regards to our favorite hot street dealer Stringer Bell and his soldiers, so you can skip it if you're just concerned with continuity.

Next, take a jaunt over to Comedy Central where South Park began its 9th season right before the election. Oh yeah, those boys are back, hot off of Team America and ready for poignant real-world satire. All I have to say is Giant Douche v. Turd Sandwich. And while you're there, you might want to stick around for Drawn Together, ostensibly a "Big Brother"-esque cartoon. In actuality, it's less a reality-show satire than absurdist pop-culture parody a la Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network (unfortunately Sealab 2021 is on hiatus). But it's not that bad.

Ok, now we jump into Thursdays, which has always been must see TV. But gone is the angsty nihilist humor of the 90s. Joey is, ironically, too smart for all that. No, instead you should start your night on the channel that began with trashy, racy soap opera and will no doubt die with it. That's right, kiddies, the OC has moved to Thursdays! And after you get your fix of attractive, back-stabbing teens, surf on over to NBC and watch attractive, back-stabbing businessmen and -women. My money's on Jen M. all the way!

And lastly, but not leastly, if you have the joys and wonders of DVR, or even HBO On Demand, postpone The Wire for a bit and check out My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. Critics be damned, I laughed my ass off. Especially if you like The Apprentice. At least those contestants have some modicum of respectablity. But watching a bunch of mid-level ass-kissers praise the amazing quality of shitty champagne and being served ground-up Spam passed off as duck liver pate, you'll never look at reality television the same way again. If it continues to be this funny, I'll rank it right up there with The Joe Schmo Show.

So there you have it. If it's Sunday, Wednesday or Thursday, you know what I'm doing with my time. Hey, I spend $100 a month on cable; I might as well get my money's worth....

I Am A Weak Man

Last week I made a vow to stop paying attention to politics right after the election; that I would take a hiatus until the next one, or Christmas, whichever came first. Of course, I was secretly hoping that this election would last until then so I wouldn't have to stop indulging. Well, it didn't. And I've been indulging left and right since then. Someone, please stop me. Take away my internet connection. Destroy my cable. Do something to help me! I tried watching Katie Couric on Today this morning. They had two actors on from two shows I've never watched before. Apparently they were guest starring on each others' respective television programs. I couldn't take it. I had to keep flipping to Fox News. Last night, I even turned off the TV and read a book. A book! That had nothing to do with politics! Until I couldn't take it anymore and turned on the Daily Show.

Please. I'm begging you. Someone. Help me. I fear I might fall into a quagmire of talking points and punditry, a deep pit of nothingness from which I might have no hope of escaping......

Happy Third of the Month!

Well, kiddies, today is a perfect day to celebrate the Third of the Month in earnest! If you were like me you've saturated yourself with the election for the past year, and now you're glad that it is finally over. You may be happy with the results, especially if you don't care about your own civil liberties. Or you may be saddened by the results, especially if you don't like this new brand of theo-conservatism that's sweeping the electorate. Or you might be indifferent towards the results because you have the emotional IQ of a lemur. It doesn't matter. What matters is that under no circumstances should you let any outside force stop you from enjoying yourself.

No matter who you voted for at your local polling place yesterday, when it comes to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you should have voted for yourself. And unlike yesterday, you don't only get to vote once. Today you can vote for yourself as often as you like. In fact, the more you vote for yourself, the happier you'll be. I guarantee it. You might even get someone else to vote for you. That's always fun.

So pull out your plaid, root around for those moist towellettes and exercise your right to Third of the Month, until a Bush appointed Supreme Court takes it all away...

376,000 Strong And Growing...

Every candidate I voted for yesterday lost. Howard Mills (GOP) for Senate. Anton Srdonovic (GOP) for Congress. And Michael Badnarik (Lib) for President. But Badnarik did get 376,000 votes nationwide, more than the Green and Constitution parties combined. Maybe someday a little fiscal responsibilty and secular conservatism will rub off on the GOP and return it to the glory days. I know, I know. But here's hopin'!

A Good Day For Stupid People

And no, I'm not talking necessarily about people who voted for Bush. He's got his bad points but so does Kerry. I'm talking about why people voted for Bush. According to exit polls, 25% of the voters rated "moral values" as their number one reason for voting. And who did you think they voted for? Bush. But why? Abortion? All Bush does is pay lip service to pro-lifers. Stem cell research? Forgetting that the president probably shouldn't have the authority to decide what does and does not get funded, again all he really did was pay lip service to those opposed. A symbolic act that has done nothing except cripple the budding ESC research industry. The war? Even the Vatican, the benchmark of all that is good and holy, has condemned it as an unjust war. The death penalty? I'm not even touching that one. Gay marriage? Ok, you got me there. Even though at the last minute Bush said he'd support civil unions....

But there are more stupid people out there! Let's check them out:

Young People. Hey, young people. Yeah, you who might have to be drafted or who might not get all your social security benefits or who might have to grow up in a world run by theocratic islamofascist fundamentalists (whatever particular way you lean). Yeah, you. You couldn't get off your stoned asses for one goddamn day to vote? When you finally do get off your asses, you're going to wonder how you ever inhereted this fucked-up world. Good job, young people. Your apathy makes me proud. And speaking of stoned slackers, that brings me to...

Alaska! Hey, you guys, up in that big-ass frozen wasteland. You voted to not legalize pot??? What are you thinking? It's not like you have anything better to do with your 3 hour long days than to smoke weed. Give me a break. Think of all the tourism you'd get! All those hot college chicks looking to score some reefer and have a shag. And it's not like you don't do it already. A friend of mine from college used to smoke up with her mayor. Her mayor! Sheesh.... But now we move on to...

South Dakota. Hey, you guys, up there in that squarish state with that funky mountain of presidents. Yeah, you. You idiots were represented by the Senate Minority leader. That's right, your po-dunk little nothing of a state was represented by the most powerful Democrat in Congress. Got that? The most powerful Democrat in Congress. And you voted him out. Why? Why would you do such a thing? Because he wasn't Catholic enough? Because he was a slimey, weasly two-faced politician? Actually, I really don't care. It doesn't matter. You voted out the MOST POWERFUL DEMOCRAT IN CONGRESS. You think anyone's going to give a shit about South Dakota now? Congratulations! You've just successfully voted your state into complete federal obscurity. Way to go, South Dakota!

And speaking of losing incumbants, right here in New York, veteran State Senator Olga Mendez (GOP) lost to Jose Serrano (Dem) by a margin of 5 to 1. Olga Mendez was a senator for over 25 years! Yes, that's right, a very powerful representative from New York City was voted out. A very powerful Republican representative in a Republican controlled Senate that is generally very hostile to us city dwellers and never wants to give us money. Guess who was getting us a lot of what we needed? Olga Mendez. Guess who, as a freshman senator is going to get us nothing? Go ahead, guess... Why, New Yorkers, why can't you get your heads out of your asses for one goddamn minute and realize that sometimes it is not beneficial to have a racially coveted minority as your representative and that not all Republicans are bad? Why?? Why do you do such things? Why? And of course, lastly....

Homophobes. That's right, you asswipes who voted for 11 of 11 amendments to ban gay marriage. Not those of you who voted for it because you don't like social engineering or genuinely believe you are protecting marriage, no I disagree with you but you can have that opinion. I'm talking about you assholes who gave into the fear-mongering of the actual homophobes who are afraid (ie the "phobe") of gays, afraid that legalizing gay marriage will lead to Bible-banning and priests being arrested and the entire ruin of civilization. Why? Why are you so stupid? Why do you let irrational, bigoted fear plague your thoughts and corrupt your actions? And why don't you want me to be happy and well-adjusted? But don't worry. We're going to get ours. Especially you guys up there in Michigan and Ohio. Those amendments are going down! Because we have a secret weapon. No, it's not a powerful culture-eroding ray broguht on by gential-anal contact. No, we've got something more powerful than that...

Old People! Come on AARP! Show us what you've got!

Why You Can't Argue With Conservatives

Out of the dozen or so states that have anti-marriage equality amendments on the ballot today, most of the focus (monetary and otherwise) has been with Oregon and Measure 36, because it seems to have the best chance of not passing. So in an attempt to prove my point about being unable to argue against gay marriage without using horrible talking points and catchphrases, I bring you....

I Won't Be Redefined Dot Com.

Um, homo say what? First of all this attempt to be edgy and appeal to a younger crowd is fucking ridiculous. Just look at their video. First of all, they have some horrible emo/christian rock band with a "cute" spelling of their name, Kutless, for their background ("I am not what you see, oh no / Not much more than a slave I wish to be", which if it had been sung by Xtina, the religious right would have had a field day, but that is a whole other topic of discussion). They also have faux-hip retro-lettering. Pulling out all the stops, I see...

So anyway, the video starts out with young, hip kids being interviewed about how they, as the church, have failed homosexuals in many ways (aw, thanks guys) but obviously voting "no" to this measure is not the way to "show that we care." Uh-huh. So how exactly is it that you're going to show us that you care? Keep us from making the mistake of getting married, obviously. And really, it isn't the church's fault. "I personally don't think you should bring politics into the church but what do you do when a moral issue becomes political?" Uh, yeah, thank you guy with the tacky Justin Timberlake hat.

But let's talk purpose. Let's talk 5000 years of history. Let's talk the woman in the oh-so-1993 glasses and her oh-so-articulate observation that God "purposed [men and women] to have a destiny together" as she gazes lovingly into her dopey boyfriends eyes. You just know that these two are "promise keepers" and, while they've never technically had sex, she's probably sucked more dick than I have.

Oh, but of course, it isn't all about what God created us for and for the happiness of heterosexuals. It is important for the bi-racial couple holding two very beautiful children to not have to explain the intricacies of life to their three-year-old. Because, oh, actual parenting is too difficult and apparently their moral convictions aren't strong enough to survive two queers getting married, not to mention the fact that this asswipe should shut his mouth because if it weren't for some minorities trying to "redefine [his] culture" then he wouldn't be married to his little blonde wife, now would he? Would he? No! Stop! Sodom Sodom Sodom!!! Ok, back to the video...

Now let's talk civil rights. Apparently, sexual preference isn't a civil right. The idea of the gay gene has been totally rejected by the medical community, says the little raver boy, so you aren't born gay. Uh-huh. Can I get some statistics there buddy boy? Or at least your phone number? (Stop it! Bad Michael!) Maybe nobody told him that, um, the entire medical community hasn't rejected the idea. Or that pre-natal and post-natal environmental factors predispose one towards homosexuality and that just cause their ain't a gene, don't mean it's a choice. Just ask Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian...

But what's been missing so far is how to the blacks feel about this being called a civil rights issue? Bingo! Cue black woman! Of course she and her older relatives are appalled that gays are making that comparison! Appalled! Because didn't you know that the NAACP tradmarked civil rights back in 1964 and no one other than the almighty African-American is truly discriminated against!

But wait! There is another group that stands to be marginalized! It's not the blacks! It's not the gays! No, it's the religious! Cue token accusation of Bible banning: "Scripture could become illegal and outlawed." "Portions of the Bible will be declared as hate literature!" "Maybe I could go to jail someday if I don't [marry two homosexuals]." And if that's not enough fear-mongering for you, the opposition has also recruited young adults to drop out of college to slump for their cause of gay marriage! They're taking your children out of school for this!

And then, three quarters of the way into it, just as we're getting close.... bam! Money shot! "We can't let 2% of the population redefine marriage for us." Cue screen-filling shot of slow-waving American flag and patriotic sounding Chrisitan rock! But wait! We get bonus multiple angle footage! Cue emotional speech ending in idiotic platitude: "If you don't stand up for something you'll fall for anything!" Boo-yah!

Let's fade out with some audio of inspired Christian rock about being a "history maker," followed by the voice of the large crowd singing along and clapping in unison! Kumbaya! I WON'T BE REDEFINED!

Ok, fine. I won't redefine you. I'll keep defining you as an irrational, backwater, oppressive, fundamentalist crackwhore like I always have. Excuse me now, while I go watch the election results with some other godless sodomites, and as I tear at the delicate connective tissues of society, I'll be sure not to redefine you into anything that sounds like you might have an original or rational thought....

If I Were In A Swing State...

... I think that this election would have actually paralyzed me. But I'm done. I've exercised my rights as a citizen of the greatest country on the planet and now all that's left to do is to sit back and wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

So get out there and get your vote on! Or I forbid you to enjoy the Third of the Month tomorrow...

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A Modest Challenge

Every issue has its talking points and catchphrases. I would like to see an honest, well-thought out challenge to gay marriage without using the phrases "redefining marriage," "judicial activism," "judicial elites," or "traditional marriage," or any derivation thereof. I mean, seriously, judicial elites? Talk about spin...