Not Ludicrous Enough

Last night was the best night of my life. Well, recently at least. Why? Because Ludicrous Prison Break is back on the air! It was fantastic! There are all these really tense moments. Is he gonna get the chair? Is he not gonna get the chair? Is Sarah Wayne Callies '99 gonna come through and talk to her daddy? Was Wentworth Miller going to be able to stop staring off into middle distance long enough to plead with her eyes? When are they finally going to get to make out? Are they going to have a torrid off-screen romance? Is Abruzzi coming back from his stint with VW? Are Michael and Sucre ever going to make out? Are they going to kill off Veronica so I don't have to suffer through any more of Robin Tunney's horribly affected phrasing? And doesn't Patricia Wettig rock?

Calgon! Get Me Up Outta Here and Take Me Somewhere!

The boy and I have taken to watching music videos in the morning, in order to stay apace of what the kiddies are listening to these days (or at least what's on MTV). It has been thoroughly enlightening, since I don't listen to the radio. It has made me come to appreciate the wonderfulness that is Kanye West's "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" and "Gold Digger".

But our story doesn't start with MTV or Kanye or bling related hip-hop. No, our story today begins with late night channel surfing a few months ago. The boy was asleep, but I was a bit wired so I started flipping through channels until I came across the local PBS station from New Jersey, you know the one that plays that scenic tour of Italy twelve times a day? Well, at 3:30 am I was taken aback to learn that, instead of some dreary travelogue, PBS was showing some "hipster" youth jumping up and down on top of his piano, acting like an asshole. I mean, come on. An edgy jazz pianist? Sneakers and shaggy hair alone will not make you cool. Especially when you're banging away on your piano keys like a teenaged boy popping his cherry (lots of show to camouflage a lack of talent) while singing a sophomoric version of "I Could Have Danced All Night". Needless to say, I wasn't in a particularly sharp state of mind at the time and didn't know quite what to make of this spectacle.

So I put it out of my mind.

Until last week when this tool showed up on MTV. Apparently he's famous. Apparently people really like him. And apparently they have all had lobotomies. His name is Jamie Cullum and let me give you a taste of his youthful wisdom:

So what game shall we play today?
How about the one where you don't get your way?
But even if you do,
That's okay.

Trust me, it isn't any more interesting with music. Anywho, let's break it down, shall we? The only defining characteristic of this "game" is that the chick he's after doesn't get her way. But, he says, even if she does get her way, he's totally fine with that. But since that was the only defining characteristic of the game he was suggesting, he's really saying that he doesn't care what game they play. Which might be mistaken for deep, if the song manages to not put you to sleep by the time you hit the chorus.

He's a got a few more gems in there, too. Like:

I opened the door and you walked in,
(Sniff) The scent of wild jasmine.

Honestly. Do women smell like anything other than jasmine or vanilla? I don't even think I know what jasmine smells like. But what I do know is that rhyming it with "walked in" is about as lame as rhyming
"get your way" with "okay"...

Or how about this one:

And who'd have thought that entertainment,
Lies in the winter of your discontent.

Oooh, Jamie Cullum read a book! Lesson 1: when you want to look smart (but aren't) quote Shakespeare.

Alright, I got one more:

Now, sit at the table, face to face,
Queen takes pawn, check or checkmate!

Check or checkmate. Got that? Lesson #2: when you want to look smart (but aren't) make references to intellectual games. Like chess. Or backgammon. Or the one where you don't get your way.

Now, for a final observation... Compare what you read above with the following:

Now I aint sayin she a gold digger (When I'm Need)
But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz

I think the answer is obvious...

The Paraphrasation of Mimi

The boy is obsessed (obsessed!) with Mariah Carey. He tries to defend it using literary theory or post-modernism or deconstructionism or some crap like that. Point is, every morning we have to scour the music video channels to see if we can find a Mariah Carey video. And it usually takes us about 30 seconds.

The big one these days is "Shake It Off" where Mariah, soaking in a tub full of rose petals, manages to paraphrase one of the simplest commercial phrases of all time, namely "Calgon, take me away!" In Mariah's brilliant rendition: "Like a Calgon commercial I / really gotta get / up outta here / and go somewhere"... Just in case you thought "take me away" wasn't clear enough, Mariah breaks it down, she "deconstucts" it, so to speak, so that we, the audience, really understand not only the essence of the original pop culture reference but exactly how Mariah is feeling, at that moment, in the tub.

As a side note, a verse was cut (for time) which went like this: "Like a Wendy's commerical I / really gotta find / out where the beef / went up and got to"...

Time Warner Cable v. Drug Pushers

My move has apparently coincided with the loss of my introductory high speed internet rate. It also has apparently coincided with rate increases. They slapped a big ol' package at me without my being aware of it so that now I have HBO, Showtime, Starz! and Cinemax, plus On Demand plus Roadrunner plus DVR, all for a whopping $132 a month. A hundred and thirty-two dollars a month! Well, all I really want is HBO. With DVR I never use my On Demand and I hardly ever watch movies on the other channels. But to only keep HBO, Roadrunner and DVR will cost me $119 a month. One hundred and nineteen dollars a month! So for 13 extra dollars I get three more channels and On Demand.

What I could is drop stuff like the internet, or the DVR or even HBO. But I can't! I'm addicted. And why? Because when I first signed up there were all these wonderful introductory offers and they were cheap! And then they started offering me more features! And I bought more! And then they raised the price, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't get rid of DVR! Do you know how hard it is to watch live TV and not be able to rewind or pause?! Do you?!?! It's so frustrating to be watching someone's provincial, regular TV and be a slave to real-time and predetermined time-slots. You see the problem, don't you? I can't stop. I just can't. And it keeps getting more and more expensive and I keep paying and paying and sooner or later I'm going to realize that 4 premium channels isn't enough and I'm going to have to order a sports package or get a TiVo or something. Because TiVo is smarter than DVR. Actually, I think I do need a TiVo.

See, the thing is, I told myself I could cancel my account at any time, if it got too expensive. But what's too expensive really? In the whole scheme of things. I'm not poor. I can afford it. Maybe not after I buy me an iPod, but I can finance it. Hell, I have good credit. I've got that 20 minute commute now; I need that iPod.....

Oh God. Somebody. Please. Stop. Me. Ah! Amazon! Damn you and your super-saver shipping!!!!

What To Watch

Well, I've been doing a pretty good job of staying off of political blogs lately. This could be that I've been busier at work. It certainly doesn't have anything to do with will-power. But regardless I've decided to take this moment, post-election, post-World Series, to educate you all on what you should be watching on television, since I have DVR and can pretty much watch everything all at once, in whatever order I feel like it.

First, let's start with non-reality television. I have this inkling that reality television is increasing the quality of writing on the small screen, due to a decreased supply and increased demand (although not if you turn on ABC, where any day of the week you can see some mediocre sitcom with fat husband doing something incompetant and a skinny, beautiful wife berating him until he threatens to send her to the moon). So this season be sure to check out some goodies:

Arrested Development started its second season last week, and it is better than ever. An impeccable cast, completely with sharp writing and new twists on classic sitcom tropes (and no annoying laugh-track) makes this appointment television for Sunday nights. Look for Justine Bateman guest starring as a love-interest for Michael (her real-life brother, Jason Bateman). Trust me, hilarity will ensue. But if that doesn't float your boat, Portia di Rossi is still America's hottest real-life lesbian.

After that, take a quick jump to HBO, home of the best original programming on cable television, and tune into the third season of The Wire, by far the best show on television ever. Ever. Ever. Don't worry about catching up. Just watch it and get immersed into the seedy underworld of drugs, sex and politics. In Baltimore! If, however, you are a purest and you do need some background, Season One just came out on DVD. Buy it. Or buy it for me for my birthday. Season Two, while just as good as the rest, takes a side-trip into the world of drug smuggling, and so not much plot is advanced with regards to our favorite hot street dealer Stringer Bell and his soldiers, so you can skip it if you're just concerned with continuity.

Next, take a jaunt over to Comedy Central where South Park began its 9th season right before the election. Oh yeah, those boys are back, hot off of Team America and ready for poignant real-world satire. All I have to say is Giant Douche v. Turd Sandwich. And while you're there, you might want to stick around for Drawn Together, ostensibly a "Big Brother"-esque cartoon. In actuality, it's less a reality-show satire than absurdist pop-culture parody a la Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network (unfortunately Sealab 2021 is on hiatus). But it's not that bad.

Ok, now we jump into Thursdays, which has always been must see TV. But gone is the angsty nihilist humor of the 90s. Joey is, ironically, too smart for all that. No, instead you should start your night on the channel that began with trashy, racy soap opera and will no doubt die with it. That's right, kiddies, the OC has moved to Thursdays! And after you get your fix of attractive, back-stabbing teens, surf on over to NBC and watch attractive, back-stabbing businessmen and -women. My money's on Jen M. all the way!

And lastly, but not leastly, if you have the joys and wonders of DVR, or even HBO On Demand, postpone The Wire for a bit and check out My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. Critics be damned, I laughed my ass off. Especially if you like The Apprentice. At least those contestants have some modicum of respectablity. But watching a bunch of mid-level ass-kissers praise the amazing quality of shitty champagne and being served ground-up Spam passed off as duck liver pate, you'll never look at reality television the same way again. If it continues to be this funny, I'll rank it right up there with The Joe Schmo Show.

So there you have it. If it's Sunday, Wednesday or Thursday, you know what I'm doing with my time. Hey, I spend $100 a month on cable; I might as well get my money's worth....

Must See TV

After a less than stellar dinner at Wondee Siam II (Wondee Siam I was packed and their sister restaurant across the street isn't nearly as good (can we say $10 corking fee?!)) I was tired and headed home where I watched a little TV before crashing early. I caught a bit of The Apprentice, but like to wait until Saturdays to see it because they have amazing, juicy extra footage from the board room. Trump still kicks ass. As does Carolyn (if not more so this season). I never warmed up to George. This season, my money's on Pamela or Ivana (although her name might put her at a disadvantage). I can't get behind any of the men, although I'd like to get behind a few of them, if you know what I mean (oh, smack!).

But afterwards I slid back into my old standbys for an evening alone, South Park and the Daily Show. I don't know how or why I'd missed this, but the South Park episode where the kids go on a Lord of the Rings quest to get the One Video (the porno Backyard Sluts 9 in a LOTR box) back to the video store is pure genius. Genius. Although less genius then when Jon Stewart suggested to Gwenyth Paltrow that she let his kid bang hers. His newborn and her newborn. I have a feeling that Gwenyth won't be accepting any more invitations to appear on the Daily Show.....

Don't Hate the Player...

... hate boring, pedestrian "scripties"! Reality TV is where it's at! Still!

First, there's The Player, which premiered last night on the UPN. Now, you may ask, what is so original about twenty guys living in a house and trying to win a date with a hot woman via a series of eliminations? What makes The Player different? Well, these guys aren't your average reality TV show contestents; these guys are all Players! That is to say they are overly quaffed and overly muscled and overly full of themselves, some of them to the point where they could jump into a pool fully clothed and their hair wouldn't move. If you can get through the many various urban accents of Dawn (the prize) and the over used "Don't hate the player, hate the game" that is sure to be the next office cooler catch-phrase, check out The Player, if only for my fav playah, J.J., the gotta-be-gay wigger from the West Side (of Phoenix).

And speaking of gotta-be-gay, if you haven't checked out the new season of The Joe Schmo Show on Spike TV then you haven't lived. Instead of a Big Brother-like show, this time they're duping both a man and a woman into believing they're on a reality dating show called "Last Chance For Love" where there are many challenges and "Falcon Twists". The two hour finale is next week. Watch it. And while you're at it, rent the first season which is out on DVD now.

Lastly, since it appears as though every other cable network has a reality show featuring the life of a celebrity, why not A&E? Growing Up Gotti has got to be the biggest disappointment in celebrity reality television. First of all Victoria Gotti is not crazy, a la Anna Nicole; she's kinda just normal. If I wanted to see an ugly middle aged celebrity deal with their job, family and oversensitiveness to their own wacky existence I'd watch Family Business because at least that has titties. The one upside is she's got three hot teenaged boys, if by hot you mean over-tanned, over-gelled and overly bitchy Long Island man-whores. But if all you want to do is ogle underaged spoiled brats, save yourself the trouble of watching the show and check out Hotti Gotti where you can go for all your Gotti boy-toy screensavers. You know you want to....

So remember, just when you thought reality television was dead, the networks (all the networks) have managed to scrap the bottom of the barrel to bring you more of what you crave: man-sluts.

Except I'm serious about Joe Schmo 2. Check that shit out. Like now.

My Not-So-Terribly-Revealing Revelations On Advertising

Through a series of unrelated events, I ended up watching "Celebrity Poker Showdown" on Bravo last night for much longer than anyone should. Now I realize that Bravo is the gay-friendly network, but they somehow managed to turn poker (poker!) into the gayest subject ever. I won't get into it.

However, recently I've become acutely aware of television advertising. I suppose it started when I was watching a lot of wrestling and realized that I had no interest in Stacker II, Motorola motor oil, Lugz street shoes or video games that I probably wasn't the average WWE fan (who is, apparently, overweight, likes cars, is poorly dressed and has no social life). Likewise, during a commercial for a prodcut promising to lower my cholesterol and being hawked by George Hamilton, I wasn't the target audience of "Celebrity Poker" either. What struck me as interesting last night, however, was the fact that by the time I'd stopped watching wrestling on a regular basis, I was saving up money to by a Playstation. Which led me to ponder, do I want all the products advertised during the Daily Show because I'm the Daily Show's target demographic (which I am) or because these are the products I keep seeing because I watch the Daily Show? Like in this paper I read today, is membrane thickness modified by the lipids or by the embedded proteins? Or is it symbionic? Or synergistic? Or axiomatic?

I think I'm rambling. Anyway, as you can see, my revelation was, well, obvious and not very illuminating. Kind of like the advice of "The Gambler".

When Ya Got It...

I called up Time Warner to take away my Starz! and add a DVR. I figured this would cost me nominally more a month (Starz! was 7 bucks, the DVR was 9), but probably worth it in the long-run, considering I'm thinking of dropping Netflix soon. I ended up managing to get my DVR, keep Starz!, all my On-Demands, and pay $7 LESS than I'm paying now. How, you ask me? Jedi mind trick. "This is not the rate you want to charge me."

My services are available upon request.

Your Beauty Effulgent...

Well did they all die or not? The series finale of Angel last night has given me pause. I don't know what to think. In some ways it was a perfect coda; we got to see a glimpse of all the characters' internal desires as they spend their 'last day' before the final battle. And yet they go into battle alone. Angel signs away his Shanshu but for what? And where were the Powers That Be? Don't get me wrong, it was a better ending than Buffy, but it didn't come full circle. The mission of the show seemed to have been lost somewhere along the way. Whereas Buffy's journey ended with Willow, Xander and Giles right their with her, Angel doesn't have Doyle or Cordelia and Wesley is dead by the time the shit truly hits the fan. It didn't ring as true as it could have.

What truly bothered me was that the Senior Partners' plans seem to have become entirely inconsistent. They spent five years meticulously trying to get Angel to turn evil yet keep him alive and then he ticks them off a bit so they crush him? Dammit, I wanted an apocalypse. They probably just didn't have the budget.

At least Spike got his recognition as a poet, even if he's still bloody awful.

And once again I am painfully reminded how much I miss Cordelia.

Well, Joss, you didn't piss me off entirely so I might give you another chance someday. It's been a good 8 years, and I'll definitely miss your world.

I Got 99 Problems...

... and Angel is one of them. I swear Mutant Enemy has not only systematically mutilated every character on Angel but now they've attacked the Buffyverse as well. We've got two episodes left. Count them; one, two. And what do we get? Angel and Spike in a teenaged pissing contest over an ex-girlfriend. What about the apocalypse? Or the grand plans of Wolfram and Hart? Or that uber-demon who's inhabited the body of Amy Acker and given her the ability to act decently? No, instead we get a bad buddy-movie chase scene in a cheesy sound-staged Italian street, not to mention the dolce vita, devil-may-care Italian CEO and mafia demons wearing masks that Mutant Enemy apparently pulled out of the overstock bin in a Halloween store. And this "the apocalypse is happening all around you" crap-ola is, um, crap-ola. This show stopped being a metaphor somewhere around Pylea and not only is this plotline over-done shyte, it's over-done shyte from the second season of this very television show! Even the Dru and Darla cameo wasn't worth it. The one shining moment was, believe it or not, Andrew, who was wearing a Strong Bad t-shirt. Seriously, it's no wonder Sarah Michelle Gellar wants nothing to do with this any more. I swear if the next two episodes don't have me crapping my pants with awe, I'm officially declaring Joss Whedon a hack and will refuse to watch anything he makes ever again.

On a more positive note, Shorties Watching Shorties on Comedy Central is surprising good. The concept is simple (animated shorts set to audio clips of stand-up comics) but the execution is pretty solid. Patrice O'Neal and Nick DiPaolo need to find their voice as overly precocious infants, an over-used trope that doesn't quite resonate and I don't think ever will. But the shorts are frickin' hysterical, although I think it helps if you have an encyclopedic knowledge of stand-up.