Why You Can't Argue With Conservatives

Out of the dozen or so states that have anti-marriage equality amendments on the ballot today, most of the focus (monetary and otherwise) has been with Oregon and Measure 36, because it seems to have the best chance of not passing. So in an attempt to prove my point about being unable to argue against gay marriage without using horrible talking points and catchphrases, I bring you....

I Won't Be Redefined Dot Com.

Um, homo say what? First of all this attempt to be edgy and appeal to a younger crowd is fucking ridiculous. Just look at their video. First of all, they have some horrible emo/christian rock band with a "cute" spelling of their name, Kutless, for their background ("I am not what you see, oh no / Not much more than a slave I wish to be", which if it had been sung by Xtina, the religious right would have had a field day, but that is a whole other topic of discussion). They also have faux-hip retro-lettering. Pulling out all the stops, I see...

So anyway, the video starts out with young, hip kids being interviewed about how they, as the church, have failed homosexuals in many ways (aw, thanks guys) but obviously voting "no" to this measure is not the way to "show that we care." Uh-huh. So how exactly is it that you're going to show us that you care? Keep us from making the mistake of getting married, obviously. And really, it isn't the church's fault. "I personally don't think you should bring politics into the church but what do you do when a moral issue becomes political?" Uh, yeah, thank you guy with the tacky Justin Timberlake hat.

But let's talk purpose. Let's talk 5000 years of history. Let's talk the woman in the oh-so-1993 glasses and her oh-so-articulate observation that God "purposed [men and women] to have a destiny together" as she gazes lovingly into her dopey boyfriends eyes. You just know that these two are "promise keepers" and, while they've never technically had sex, she's probably sucked more dick than I have.

Oh, but of course, it isn't all about what God created us for and for the happiness of heterosexuals. It is important for the bi-racial couple holding two very beautiful children to not have to explain the intricacies of life to their three-year-old. Because, oh, actual parenting is too difficult and apparently their moral convictions aren't strong enough to survive two queers getting married, not to mention the fact that this asswipe should shut his mouth because if it weren't for some minorities trying to "redefine [his] culture" then he wouldn't be married to his little blonde wife, now would he? Would he? No! Stop! Sodom Sodom Sodom!!! Ok, back to the video...

Now let's talk civil rights. Apparently, sexual preference isn't a civil right. The idea of the gay gene has been totally rejected by the medical community, says the little raver boy, so you aren't born gay. Uh-huh. Can I get some statistics there buddy boy? Or at least your phone number? (Stop it! Bad Michael!) Maybe nobody told him that, um, the entire medical community hasn't rejected the idea. Or that pre-natal and post-natal environmental factors predispose one towards homosexuality and that just cause their ain't a gene, don't mean it's a choice. Just ask Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian...

But what's been missing so far is how to the blacks feel about this being called a civil rights issue? Bingo! Cue black woman! Of course she and her older relatives are appalled that gays are making that comparison! Appalled! Because didn't you know that the NAACP tradmarked civil rights back in 1964 and no one other than the almighty African-American is truly discriminated against!

But wait! There is another group that stands to be marginalized! It's not the blacks! It's not the gays! No, it's the religious! Cue token accusation of Bible banning: "Scripture could become illegal and outlawed." "Portions of the Bible will be declared as hate literature!" "Maybe I could go to jail someday if I don't [marry two homosexuals]." And if that's not enough fear-mongering for you, the opposition has also recruited young adults to drop out of college to slump for their cause of gay marriage! They're taking your children out of school for this!

And then, three quarters of the way into it, just as we're getting close.... bam! Money shot! "We can't let 2% of the population redefine marriage for us." Cue screen-filling shot of slow-waving American flag and patriotic sounding Chrisitan rock! But wait! We get bonus multiple angle footage! Cue emotional speech ending in idiotic platitude: "If you don't stand up for something you'll fall for anything!" Boo-yah!

Let's fade out with some audio of inspired Christian rock about being a "history maker," followed by the voice of the large crowd singing along and clapping in unison! Kumbaya! I WON'T BE REDEFINED!

Ok, fine. I won't redefine you. I'll keep defining you as an irrational, backwater, oppressive, fundamentalist crackwhore like I always have. Excuse me now, while I go watch the election results with some other godless sodomites, and as I tear at the delicate connective tissues of society, I'll be sure not to redefine you into anything that sounds like you might have an original or rational thought....