Note to the Criminal Element:

I would make a horrible eyewitness. I don't know how some people do it. They can get mugged in a dark alley, without there glasses, and be like, "Yeah, I saw him, he was 5'9", 167 lbs, size 11 shoe, auborn hair, hazel eyes and was wearing a Gap sweatshirt which a small hole under the arm and Tag Heuer knock-off he probably bought in Chinatown. Oh, and from his accent I'd say he was from Williamsburg but probably went to highschool in Manhattan."

Me, I'd be more like the woman I heard on the news this morning who was attacked in Central Park. Apparently her attacker was an Hispanic male, no height, 150-200 lbs and wearing a soccer jersey. Um, that narrows it down, thank you very much. You might as well just arrest all of the Barrio and half of Inwood. It's like saying you were attacked by a woman on the Upper East Side wearing Burberry plaid and carrying a Louis Vuitton hand-bag.

Of course, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the soccer jersey...